Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Snake's CD Project Part 4

Note: http://sbrlists.blogspot.com/search/label/Snake%27s%20CD%20Project Here is a link that will show you all the previous parts together. I am sure since I haven't posted on this since March 24th, that most will need a refresher. I think I have found some new energy on this project and as I reread some from this set, I am thinking I might be pulling inspiration from Red as points. But what finally helped was a I let go of my story a little bit and let the lyrics help me decide the pacing and what should happen.

Disc 1
Track 8
Intimate Secretary
The Racontuers
Broken Boy Soldiers

Is this greeting the type that’s meant for me?

The morning sun shined down onto Justin sitting at the edge of his bed. He could hear the birds chirping out in a nearby tree even though the windows were closed. His hands throbbed as they pressed into the mattress. His back ached and his head hurt. He looked back down at the bed, his impression still visible in the mattress.

The shower head continues to drip after Justin shuts off the water and exits the shower. The water plops as it hits the drain. He barely notices it anymore. He throws his towel onto the bar, forgetting it came out of the wall last week. It crashes to the floor with a bang. Justin continues walking out of the bathroom failing to notice.

Fully clothed, he slips his watch onto his left wrist. Looking at the time, he realizes Pete should have been here by now. Justin quickly turns on the TV to make sure his watch wasn’t lying to him.

Patting his pockets and turning in circles, he frantically looks through the room. Justin jogs out to the kitchen area and finds his phone vibrating on the counter. It reads ‘6 missed calls.’ He swears under his breath.

Just as he goes to check the calls, it vibrates in his hand. The screen reads ‘Braum’. Another curse escapes Justin’s lips as he flips open the phone.

“Yeah, Lieutenant?”

“Carson!” The gruff voice on the other end screams. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Sorry, sir. Phone was on Vibrate.”

“Well since you’re partner bothered to show up this morning, I already sent him onto the crime scene. You need to get your ass there now!”

“Yes, sir” Justin’s eyes started to roll back into his head as he listened to the address. “Got it.” Justin ended the call and flipped through his missed calls, two from wrong numbers, four from the Lieutenant and none from Pete. With a clap, he flipped the phone shut and deposited it into his right pocket.


Disc 1
Track 9
I’m Seeing Robots
Kool Keith
Black Elvis/Lost in Space

Difference effect to their bodies, sometimes too many to even know.

Justin stepped out from the entrance to his uptown apartment and hailed a nearby taxi. The driver quickly flipped on his light and swung over to the curb. Justin opened the door, sliding into the back seat. He gave the driver the downtown address. At this time of day with traffic, it would easily be a 20 minute cab ride.

As the taxi pulled away, Justin rested his head back against the seat letting out a sigh. The thought crossed his mind that the ride would either give him time to mellow out before the madness of the crime scene or make him really irritable in time for his arrival. Either way, he was going to need to have words with Pete after yesterday and now this morning.

Still, that could wait. 20 minutes will feel like an hour when he was so accustomed to zooming through the streets with lights flashing. He reached into his pocket to check his phone, again. No missed calls from Pete magically appeared since the last time he checked.

Justin closed the phone and deposited it back into his left pocket. He felt sick to his stomach and still achy from his sleep. He wished it was the flu instead of the scarier emotional alternative.

Justin had some of the same feelings, ill effects on the body, after a rough night with Kristy. It was the last straw of their strained relationship, if such a thing could exist. She had questioned his commitment, to the force and to her. That was one thing they could never have in common.

The scene replayed in his head. It was the first time he had ever been aggressive with her. He swung landing his right fist right at the top of her ear. The sickness in his stomach was the same now as he had felt an hour after the blow. He had been proud of his instincts at the time to hit her high on the head so to not leave visible bruises like a shot to the face would have.

Just then, the street sign caught Justin’s eye. It read ‘Pershing Ave’. The taxi had made it to Midtown. He fought down a convulsion from his body. He knew what sign was coming next and didn’t want to read it. He looked up at the ceiling of the cab and closed his eyes. The word “Kristy” escaped from his lips as the taxi cross the intersection marked ‘Dement Ave’.


Disc 1
Track 10
Lonely Day
System of a Down
Hypnotize

And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I want to die with you.

Justin finally opened his eyes. The taxi was stopped at a red light. A quick look told him they were close their destination. The traffic was getting more congested as they headed into the business district downtown.

The pain in Justin’s stomach had died down. He wasn’t sure if he actually made himself pass out or what, but the taxi made it ten blocks in seemly no time. His newfound health gave him the courage to get his phone back out and do something he felt he should have done as soon as he left his apartment.

He scrolled through his phonebook and picked our Pete’s number. Justin pressed the ‘SEND’ button knowing there was no turning back now. It rang twice before it was answered with an abrupt, “Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s Justin.”

“Yeah,” the voice was irritated.

“I am stuck in a cab and hitting traffic, I should be there in another 10 minutes.”

“Braum call ya?” Justin could hear the cigarette sitting between Pete’s lips in the corner of his mouth.

“Yep, he was almost as cheerful as you this morning. Do we have a lot of looky loos to deal with?”

“It is downtown, everyone and their brother is down here.” Pete paused to take a drag. “Probably why you are stuck in traffic. We shut down the block and rerouted traffic. You might need to hoof it from Cascade St on down to here.”

“Got it.” Justin paused for a second as he heard Pete have another toke. “Hey Pete, I was the idiot yesterday man. Wasn’t your fault. I get a little up tight thinking about someone copying an ‘X’ murder.”

“Don’t worry, I only pissed blood for the next hour. Nice and clear today though.” A half grunt, half laugh came out of the phone.

Justin let his laugh go, that was Pete. He was a bull and could handle anything. The memory quickly came to mind of the time they needed to enter a nightclub on a raid. The bouncer was twice Pete’s size and before he could get his badge out the big skin head literally tossed him across the street. Pete’s faced was covered in blood from a broke nose and he had horrible road rash up his left arm. He got back up and kneed the guy right in the nuts, then flashed his badge as he laid their in pain. He set his nose back himself and had Justin take a picture. It still hangs on the corkboard next to his desk like a badge of honor.

“Well, hopefully you guys aren’t waiting on me then.”

“Actually we are,” Pete replied. “There was an ‘X’ on her thigh.”

Justin had to scramble to pick the phone back up off the taxi floor boards. He could hear Pete asking if he was ok or something along those lines. He managed to say, “There in 5” before shoving the phone into his right pocket.

The taxi driver stopped and he paid the man. His blood was pumping so hard now that he felt he could have run the entire distance from his apartment to the crime scene in 10 minutes. The 12 blocks that he had to go was going to be a piece of cake.

3 comments:

Dan Woessner said...

I like the pacing here. Unlike me, who sometimes sprints through parts, you take your time knowing you have awhile till you reach the finish line.

Small things I noticed was be careful of pronoun use after you've used a couple nouns in the previous sentence. I am still trying to decide if the towel or the bar 'banged' to the floor. That or add a sentence more of explanation.

I don't know what's with "Dement Ave." Is that something from before or something we don't know about yet. Maybe it's good to leave me hanging, maybe not.

Possibly need a few breif, very short images after that. Something Justin is thinking about perhaps.

Otherwise, a strong comeback after a long absence.

Unknown said...

When I reread it now I understand what you are saying about the towel bar. Easy enough fix.

Dement Ave is a setup. I left clues before it was mentioned because i wanted it to be the last thing in your mind at the end of the chapter hoping that it would make the reader remember it later.

I didn't want to tell what it means and i didnt really want it to be too obvious, more like maybe some people who figure out what it might mean, but mostly trying to make it slightly frustrating so that hopefully it is remembered for later.

Funny you mention pacing, because i knew after the first couple sections I couldnt keep writing such long ones. Then I came to the idea now that I want the pacing to seem slow, as in Justin's world is slowing down cause there are so many small fragments but it the overall scope it is relatively fast, as in total time elapsed is day and a half. I dunno maybe like a 24 vibe, the story seems long cause you read it at a slower pace with this mini events but really in the overall scope it was only 24 hrs. I kinda came to that idea and seeing now if i can run with it.

Dan Woessner said...

The pacing is what really jumped out at me. I wasn't thinking about it so much in real time as far as it being a 24 hour such thing (although if you had 24 tracks that'd probably been a real awesome way of doing this project. Kind of a day in a life kind of thing.) I think you've already had at least one full day elapse, if not two.